HENRY DEEDES: How to seduce a picky guy like me!

HENRY DEEDES: How to seduce a picky guy like me!

Too short, too bald, bad shoes, wrong zodiac sign. “Strange energy”, whatever that means. We seem to be an increasingly fussy dating nation.

Sometimes it’s a physical feature that can turn people off.

One of the most neurotic people I know once rejected the advances of a very attractive socialite because he claimed her ankles looked weird when they were in bed.

Even now, when her rosy cheeks pop up in various glossy magazines (her legs – in my opinion – the very essence of beauty), he does not show a single drop of regret. “They scared me,” he snorts. He’s still single, surprise surprise.

Other times it’s our worldly point of view that someone just can’t stand.

A few years ago, an American woman I was drinking with broke off our connection when I suggested that Brexit might not be as much of a humanitarian crisis as she imagined.

HENRY DIDES: Too short, too bald, bad shoes, wrong zodiac sign.

HENRY DIDES: Too short, too bald, bad shoes, wrong zodiac sign. “Strange energy”, whatever that means. We seem to be becoming a nation of increasingly fussy dating.

Putting aside her (rather sad) vodka, lime and soda, she declared that she could not spend another second with someone so clearly dim-witted. Come to think of it, the fact that the referendum even came up on our first date probably says I was lucky to get away.

I say “increasingly” fussy because it’s not just wobbly bodily deformities or nasty political opinions that keep many of us from finding our perfect partner.

Thanks to the proliferation of mobile phones, even the smallest issue can turn people off before they know how a potential partner drinks coffee in the morning. Like grammar.

Right. A recent poll of 2,000 British daters found that 52% would disdain messages rife with spelling and punctuation errors.

Other issues included the use of more than one exclamation point and the use of text-based speech such as YOLO (“You only live once”), OMG (“Oh my God”), and LOL (“Laugh out loud”).

And that’s without the ridiculous emoji to fight with. Fool? Actually, no.

Part of me can’t help but feel encouraged that we’re such adherents of decent English. It shows a certain self-respect, a pride in how we want others to see us. After all, would you send a potential partner a photo of your unmade bed in the background, or your frilly bottom drawers still drying on a laundry line? I didn’t think so.

It also doesn’t surprise me that women are even hotter than men on this issue: 58% of women say they would be “repulsed” by someone who constantly misspelled words or distorted grammar, compared to 45% of women. guys.

“Don't think that lemon water will make you look like Liz Hurley,” says Henry Deedes.

Don’t think drinking lemon water will make you look like Liz Hurley in the photo, says Henry Deedes.

A friend once told me that if she ever mixes up “your” and “you” in one of her text messages or social media posts, I have to assume she was kidnapped and that was her way of trying to signal me. such was her squeamishness when it came to the use of language.

Even the most insignificant things can become a mass rejection.

As someone with more experience with dating apps than I should probably admit, I’m happy to admit that bad grammar makes me swipe left without even thinking. But this is not the only thing that can guarantee that I will refuse. My mental list of annoyances and dating apps that pets hate has grown over the years, and I’m finally ready to share it.

Evidence of any of the following inaccuracies in your profile counts as a negative result.

Buckle up…

PERVERTED BASTIUDES

Cod’s philosophy is a big no-no. You all know what I mean, some kind of philosophy I mean – supposedly soul-warming nonsense, often written on driftwood: “Don’t look back, you’re going the wrong way”, “Life is so good, how good is your way of thinking.” My thinking is that I want to rush into the nearest bathroom and vomit.

See also: Astrology or any form of new age mysticism.

Are you having problems with Leos? Charming. Taxi!

CELEBRITY

Wellness is another door bolt. It’s not nice to be trusting. Healthy lifestyle message: Drinking lemon water won’t make you look like Elizabeth Hurley. An obsessive grooming routine will not change your appearance, although it will make you less attractive as a potential partner.

COCKTAILS

Posting pictures of cocktails is fine if you’re celebrating a fresh GCSE exam, but it’s hardly adult behavior. After all, putting your cell phone on the table when you’re having dinner is a pretty good way to click the “V” – why advertise the fact that you’ll probably click every course if we ever do. long away?

GORGEOUS BLAGGING

Show-offs tend to be off-putting, so is anyone who posts photos of themselves in Michelin-starred restaurants or, God forbid, in the washrooms of Mayfair nightclubs. Or, worst of all, stretched out in the cabin of a first-class plane. No no no.

Sharing holiday snaps is almost acceptable. As long as it’s not Dubai. Seriously, what’s wrong with people opening the curtains in front of this horrible giant desert dune and making them think it makes others jealous?

Quite frankly, shuddering along the Jubilee line on a Monday morning with your head buried in your neighbor’s armpit is still better than a week in this soulless, man-made monument of vulgarity.

Sharing holiday snaps is almost acceptable.  As long as it's not Dubai.  Seriously, what's wrong with people opening the curtains in front of this horrible giant desert dune and making them think it makes others jealous?  (file photo of Dubai skyline)

Sharing holiday snaps is almost acceptable. As long as it’s not Dubai. Seriously, what’s wrong with people opening the curtains in front of this horrible giant desert dune and making them think it makes others jealous? (file photo of Dubai skyline)

If you think the spooky United Arab Emirates is for you, then you are probably not for me.

And what does the ruddy mirror selfie have to do with it?

Some people love to bombard you with photos of them posing in front of a mirror in sportswear.

Some even do it in their cycling gear. Or rock climbing. Even if their face was blown to the side while skydiving. Nobody should see it.

WOKE PHRASES

The phrases “inside work”, “safe space”, non-binary pronouns, “Hello, my name is Annabelle and I identify as a woman.” Swipe left, left, left, left…

WORKING HOLES

Assuming we’ve gone through the mapping and moved on to the messaging phase, we’re still not home or washed.

I’m afraid there are more serious restrictions. The inability to remember something important, which I told you about shortly before, is also up there.

How to seduce a picky guy like Henry Deedes: don't bore me with zodiac signs (file photo)

How to seduce a picky guy like Henry Deedes: don’t bore me with zodiac signs (file photo)

I didn’t expect anyone to remember the name of the first family dog, but remembering what I do for a living would be nice.

However, working discussions are probably best left out of those first few WhatsApp.

There will come a time when it’s okay to tire your partner out at the last strategy meeting, or that your inadequate line manager just isn’t helping you reach your full potential. But message number two, three, four or five is wrong.

being late

And finally—when we actually log out of the app and meet—the real problem: being late.

Men expect women to be a little late. In fact, it’s often useful when you’re uprooting a decent table and lightly poking fun at the bartender, which makes you look like you’re in the know with the staff.

However, everything that lasts longer than half an hour suggests that we, men, are nowhere better. Which, of course, we do.

Unless we’re dating Charlize Theron, that is: Charlize can be late whenever she wants.

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